$20.00 & Jokes about snakes & alligators / Momma
Because of these things stupidity and cowards...I don't think I will ever again sleep through the night!!!!!!!
Stephen...it feels like my heart is going to explode!! I fight so damn hard to keep these feelings down BUT I miss you so bad!!!!
I remember thinking for a second when ya'll were litle how it would feel if something ever happened to one of ya...I was so far from how BAD it is!!! There is just no way to describe it hell I can bearly live it!!
I cannot tell you how many nights I sit here and look at this page. See how many if ANY have taken a second out of their DAMN BUSY day to stop in and check on you us or each other!!! No they are to busy getting married making love having babies just getting on with life...things you never got to do!! Did you ever wake up in the arms of a woman who REALLY loved you?? There are so many things I wish you could have done it's just so unfair Stephen!!
It doesn't matter Momma will ALWAYS be here!! You would still be here if I had been a different kind of mother...I should have just let you run the streets do whatever the F you wanted!! Got you out of trouble EVERYTIME you got in it...those are the friends of yours that are still here!!! Most STILL doing the same shit!!! The ones that talked you into that DAMN LAKE...THEN LEFT YOU AND WENT INSIDE!!! GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!
Momma's missing you so much
I will ALWAYS love you Stephen!!
Momma Close
I have a problem...people keep telling me I have to let you go. How do I do this??? How do I explain to them I don't want to or that I can't??? I have to hold on to you...you are my son I love you so much. I feel ENOUGH people have let you go...I WILL NOT DO THIS!!!! I am trying so hard to get through this and be everything to everyone...but it appears I am not doing a good job of it...I see you face as I turn off my light at night and then cry myself to sleep. I hate you being gone!!!!! I hate not being able to pick up the phone and calling you. It's been 5 yrs and I am pretty good at hiding how I feel...I put on my "yes I am getting through it smile" everyday because most people just don't care or have to much going on in their own life to be bothered. But I miss you and will not apologize to ANYONE for it!!!! I need you I want you home you are not coming back...and there is not a damn thing I can do about it!!! I hate it Stephen...help me please.
Today is Sept 11th...it's a day that holds so much saddness for our country and the word. Even more for those of us who love and miss you. It marks the 8th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on America and it marks the 5th anniversary of the day we laid you to rest. I didn't know the date when we were planning everything...hell I didn't know my name. We just kinda went around and did what was to be done and that was just how is was. We had wanted to wait until that Monday but were told we couldn't wait that long and didn't know it could on a Sunday so it was planned too early to suit us but we were kinda out of it and on auto pilot. So it was Sat. Sept 11th 2004 that we all came together and to my horror buried my first born at the age of 21!!! It's 5 yrs later I still can't really believe your gone...!!
I don't think it would be possible to count the tears that have fallen onto your headstone or how many times I have kissed that cold reminder to the world that you were here goodbye...I have lost my mind out there so many times (thank God I was alone) and layed there and cried till I was sick or even a couple of times left with burns on my face because it would be to hot to touch and I just didn't care or didn't feel the burning...all I feel is a huge saddness. I have hated that place and loved it all at the same time...hate your being there but so gratefull to the rescue people who found you and gave you back to us...not having your body would have killed me. I know this with all certainty. I know that one day I will be layed to rest between you and your Daddy. You won't be alone out there forever.
People always tell me how strong I am and how they would die if they lost their child...how do I respond to that??? No you wouldn't...you can't no matter how much it feels like you will. You go on and you take the pain with you. It's so very raw at times like I have mentioned and other times you are some how able to get hold of it...I don't know how but you do. Then it's raw again..it's not something you choose or pick when or even where it happens...I knows this from experience you would be surprised at some of the places I have fallen apart...Right now I am trying so hard to not question why not me instead. I live in constent pain from my back and really hold no promise or potiential to the world I have lived my life why couldn't I have gone Home and been spared the pain of seeing one of my children leave. I know what awaits is so much better and I know I should be jumping up and down that you were called Home early but I'm not...it hurts here without you!!!! I also know that if I lived to be 500 the pain will not get any better!!
Stephen I am trying to be a good mother to Christina Aaron and even Daniel. I am trying to be a good grandmother to Bailey and Carter. I want to. I know this is what you would want!! Help me son...please!!!!
The day that marks the 5th year of you being gone is coming to a close...only a few mins left.
I have spent almost as much of the last 2 days crying as I did then. I try so hard to see the good in my life and there is so much of it. But for these 2 days all I can see and feel is the pain of you not being here. I look at your resting place and ask how could something that I made and who was so much like me not be here to finish what I had planned for him or that he had planned. I think of all you never got to do instead of all you did. You never found the right girl so you never really feel in love. You never got to see a child of your own come into this world. See that child become someone you are so very proud of...see them make it own their own. Never see your child become a parent and know the joy of being a grandparent. And all the love that goes with that!! And a thousand other things in between.
You are so loved and not by just me but by so many...we don't get together on this day we all hate this day and do not wish it to be celebrated. We celebrate so many other days of the yr but not today. Some call to check on us or stop to see if the can do anything others just let the day go by as fast as possible. For others the day seems to last a wk!
For me each year has been different. This time was so very hard!! I cried and then lashed out at people I love then of course cried about that. Daddy and I spent most of the day just holding on to each other. Each wanting to make the other feel better and each being unable to do so. Wanting to go back...call and ask you to come home right after work. Wishing it had been pouring down so you would not have gotten in that damn lake!!! If changing 1 second of that day could be done and bring you back...I would give all that I have and all that I am!!!
You should be here with us still. You should know that your sister and Daniel have 2 beautiful children are great parents and are making it. You should know that your lil brother is a Sgt in the Army at 19. Has returned from Afghanistan after 1 year a hero wounded in 1 of the worse homicide bombings they had seen. Fighting the same war you enlisted for in Oct. 2001. You should know how badly we hate having to go on without you! You should know how much you are missed!!
You should just be here....I love you son and miss you with all my soul!!!!
I never knew you. So I will never fully grasp the positive impact you had on the lives of your family. But I can say without doubt that they adored you in life and continually think of you without fail now. I know deep down they want to live life as you would have wanted.
I never knew you. But the members of your family I do know are special people. They have qualities and goodness in them that would make anyone proud. I have been blessed knowing them.
I never knew you. But somehow I do. Continue to watch over your family and know if I can ever do anything for them I will... From one soldier to another.
5yrs ago this morning you got up got dressed for work kissed me goodbye...and walked out of my life. Nothing has been complete since. I need you help through another day. I love you Stephen and have missed you more that words can say...if only I could find a way to change that 1 day 1 second of that day then maybe....
Hey buddy. Shelly and I took advantage of our holiday weekend and we are chilling down here at grandma's house. We went to the park Saturday and Typhoon Lagoon on Sunday. Of course we hit up the nightlife both nights (that's how we roll...you would be proud!). There are so many places that I see you down here. Normally I'm so preoccupied with my kids to take a stroll down memory lane but this visit has been different. there are so many vivid memories I have of you and I running loose at the different parks...feeling so grown up to be by ourselves.
i miss you brother. i miss who you were and i wonder about who you would be now. i wish you could be here to be a part of my life. i miss being in your life and i really really miss you being a part of mine.
the day is coming up...5 years have come and gone. i didn't think some days that this day would ever come. seems like yesterday and lifetimes ago all at the same time.
i miss you. i have since the day you left and i will until the day i die. you were such a great brother. such a great brother. the best.
It's been a year or seventeen / Jordan Avner (Friend)
Patty I heard about Stephen when he passed away. I was not sure how to contact you and let you know that I was sorry. I thought about you guys a lot and had alway meant to contact him and catch up but I waited too long. I am glad I was able to konw him for the few years I lived there. We had a great time together. Thanks for all you did for me so long ago. I hope I can stay in contact with you now that I found a way to contact you. I hope to talk to you soon. - Jordan Avner
Here's my contact info. Please get it to Scott Street too as I have not talked to him since I left Georgia. Thanks!
E-mail: jordan.avner@gmail.com Cell: 801-645-5106
Also my wife just started a blog for our family (mostly so she can show off our daughter who was born about a week ago!). Its theavners.blogspot.com. Close
It's been awhile but I have been so afraid the last few wks...Aaron was finishing up his tour in Afganistan, I have just been holding my breath waiting. Thank God he is home safe!!!! I have not seen him yet he won't get leave till next month but I can pretty much talk to him when I want to and more important...I can get in my car and get to him!!!! That is huge!!! You know how I am...
Everyone here is doing well. Christina and Daniel just bought a new car (thank goodness) and Aaron had a truck waiting when he got back. He also got his 1st apt yesterday!!! Can you believe that??? He has been out on his own for awhile but always on post so this is big for him. Carter will be 2 next month...he is so funny. He looks like your sister and brother most of the time but he has several of your looks, smiles and that you know I'm to cute to be mad at looks. Built like a linebacker...like both of ya'll at that age. And Bailey...where do I start??? You never know whats coming out of her mouth. She acts alot like Christina and (God Help Us) ME!!!! Ha-Ha!!! And according to her I am NEVER wrong. Everything is My Nana puts that here or My Nana does it this way...drives your Daddy crazy!!! It's always MY NANA like it's 1 word. I wish you could spend just 1 day with them!!! For some reason she thinks you and her played on her swing 1 day...there is no telling her any different. She has a date planned when Uncle Aaron gets home, Cinderella dress Stevie B's and a movie. Of course he can't wait.
Did I tell you we had to get a new liner for the pool? We did, went with a dark blue this time. I did tell you Aaron was engaged didn't I?? He is, to a sweet girl named Melanie. They met about a yr after you left and have been together ever since. I know you would like her. He proposed of course @ WDW in front of Cinderellla's Castle!!! Daddy and I were there, and yes I cried!!! So much has changed since you left...all your friends are getting married and having babies which is both great and bittersweet. I would love to have seen your babies!!! Scott and Janet just had another girl and Beth and Tommy had a boy. And get ready...Travis and Melissa are engaged and having a baby!!!!! He proposed to her @ your B'day fundraiser, it was very sweet.
Stephen I am really trying hard to do and be whatever I am expected to do or be since you left...I am afraid I am falling short. The pain of you not being here is so great I just about can't stand it. There is this huge empty space in our lives...nothing can fill it. It's yours and yours alone. I try to work around it but....it's always there!!! I miss you so much!!! I feel like I should have done this or that and I could have kept it from happening. But I can't change it and I will not and cannot pretend you were never here!!!!
Ask God to help me, to give the strength I need. I am sorry I have kinda ignored you the last few wks. I was just so scared that I was going to loose your brother also and I think coming here just made it seem so much more possible. It's happened once why not twice....I know it doesn't make sense but it's me we're talking about!!! Anyways...I am sorry.
I love you more that words can say. And miss you with all my heart!!! Talk to you soon.
First let me start with happy birthday...I am sorry it has taken me all day to come and say those 2 little words. I don't really know why this year has been harder but for some reason has. I woke up a lil after midnight last night and spent the rest of the night doing the" I was doing this 26 yrs ago tonight thing". Needless to say I never did get back to sleep. I miss so many things about you Stephen...to many to list!!! I am trying to continue with life here, be a good wife mother and Nana, the way I feel you would want me to and the way I know I should. But it is so hard. You kids have meant the world to me from the second you were born. So much about me, my life, choices I made or didn't make were because of you 3. Even today they still are. Only now it's you 3, Bailey and Carter. I know if I live to be 100 yrs old I will still be thinking how will the effect you kids. I want you to know how much I love you...I just hope I told you enough. Was almost everyday enough?? Did you truely know how special you were and still are to me??? Do Christina and Aaron???
I am sorry for the times I hurt your feelings, I am sorry for the times I fell short as a parent. I am thankfull for every second we had together. I am thankfull for the times I sat and held you instead of laying you back down so you wouldn't get spoil. I am thankfull for the times after back surgery that I would go to a game even though I didn't feel good. I am thankfull that you were my son...something no other woman can say.
I love you, I miss you...I am thankfull for you!!!
Hey Sweetie...having one of those bad days today...on of those "I think I may go crazy after all" days. I have been fighting it for so long Stephen. Don't know if I can keep it up much longer!! Not many people say your name anymore or ask how I'm doing...Sometimes it's like the whole world has forgotten you were here!!! Or how bad we STILL hurt for you. Stephen my heart breaks every morning...with that first breath you take when you wake. I cry for you...I cry the the family we lost that day...I cry for the family you are missing today...It's just so unfair that it had to be you that it had to be our family!!! You were suppose to grow up and be somebody, grow up find the right girl get married and have lots of babies for me to love!! I see people who arern't worth 2 cents, drinking all the time doing drugs going to jail not growing up. Knowing they will never amount to a damn thing and wonder why not them!!! With all the promise you had...why you??? Why my son??? It should not have happened Stephen...help me live with the fact that it DID!!! I love you son so much more than I can ever say here. I type so hard get so mad trying to make sure you get what I want to say...sometimes I come so close to just throwing this damn thing out the window!! Help me son...I love you!!!!!
wow i guess it's been awhile since i last typed on this thing. so many things are happening and so much is changing i don't even know where to start. i can't believe that this much time has passed since...
...since i dont' even know when. it just doesn't seem like i'm even really in the same world that you use to be in. were you ever here? sometimes i wonder if we all just imagined you.
and sometimes i really, really miss you. i'm not talking about in the passing way that someone says "hey, i miss that guy". no, i'm talking about in the guy wrenching way that screams out for relief knowing that none is coming...or will ever come.
sometimes i feel like you would totally understand me if you were here. we would still be on the same wavelengths and you would still just "get" me....and me, you. we were always that way, weren't we. it didn't matter how much of an ass you were being or whatev...i still always got you.
your softball game is coming up again. part of me dreads having to stand out there in front of everyone...on display as the sister whose brother died. it's terrifying and exhilerating all at the same time. i dont' get excited about them like mom. i don't feel comforted or encouraged by your friends that show up...i feel lonely. lonely and sad that the only thing i can do for you is a damn softball game. but it is...so we do the very best damn softball game we can. and i smile. because mom wants me to...sometimes i think she needs me to.
i love you brother. even though sometimes i can't remember your voice. or even when sometimes someone resembles you so distinctly that it takes my breath away. or when i play with the kids' hair and remember standing by your casket nervously playing with yours.
why is it the things i want and need to change are the only things i have no control over???????????????????
Angel Quote / Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin)
Make yourself familiar with the angels and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you. St. Francis De Sales
Just wanted to stop by and say thank you...I know that the Good Lord either had His Hand around your brother last week or He sent you to protect him. That is the only explanation for his still being here. His injuries were not too severe. He has been treated and returned to his FOB. He will return to wk soon. It was a sucide bomber in a market place and Aaron was standing not to far away from him. His unit had pretty heavy casualities. I just don't understand how people can do this. I am so afraid for him and want him home!!!! The things that he has seen, heard and been through...I don't know how to help him. I just want him to come in the back door take a shower crawl into HIS bed and sleep for days. Please ask God to continue to keep watch over him and the guys he wks with. Get them all home safe and soon.
I love you sweetie and miss you so much. Will have news about your B'day fundraiser soon. The ballfield is looking foward to it and so am I. Also Bailey will be playing this year...I can't believe it. I so wish you could see them. She loves you so much just from hearing about you and seeing your pics. You would be putty in her hands!!!! Trust me...just ask your Daddy, Aaron and Daniel they are. Not me though...I'm tough like your sister (yeah yeah). And Carter well lets just say he looks like Aaron and is ALL boy...tough as nails cept when he wants kisses from his Mommy or Nana!!!! Talk to you soon.
It's 12:15am Christmas morning 2008...this is the 5th Christmas you have been gone. And it's your brother's 1st. He is still some where in Afganistan. I find some comfort at least that I know today will be a big day where you are, even if it's not here at home where I want you to be. But your brother I am afraid will not have as good a day. I still can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you aren't here and now I have to think that somewhere out in this big world there are people shooting at my youngest. I can't even find the words to tell you all that he has seen and been through. Stephen he is so different from the little boy that you last saw. He has turned into this man that I know you would be so proud of. The two of you had really just begun to reach an age where you were becoming "friends"...where the age difference seemed smaller and you had more in common, when you left. I know he wishes he had gotten to complete that stage, he feels he got cheated out of that. I guess like the rest of us...he just misses you!!!
I was trying to sleep and found all I could do was count the holidays you were here and try to remember each and every one. I find that we laugh at the silly things you did, make fun of the I.O.U.s that you still owe. The way you always stacked up all you gifts after you opened them and carried them to your room. You were about 4 when you started that...and always did it. But we still cry about the silence that your not being here brings...it's funny how much sound 1 person brings into a home esp. to a dinner table. I found this toy for Carter that is so much like 1 we got for you. Yours was for a child about 6 and and his is for one about 1 1/2 so they are not the same but I just had to get it. I even found a hoodie that had 21 on it so of course I had to get that also. I guess I am always thinking of you!!!
We will be having dinner here of course not a large group this year only about 12...us, Christina Daniel their kids, the Dumonts, Nate and Braylon. It's nice having him around. Daddy and I will bring your flowers out first thing in this morning, I hope you like them. Daddy and Bailey picked them out...Bailey wanted pink for you but Daddy talked her into red and white for Christmas but next time, you'll get pink I'm sure!!!
Well Sweetie I need to try and get some sleep before I have to start cooking. I just wanted you to be the 1st person I talked to this Christmas morning. Stephen I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!!! I will be thinking of you and your candle will be burning till bedtime. I pray you know how much I will ALWAYS love you son. And how I cherish each holiday I got to share with you!!!
It's about 12:30am Thanksgiving morning, the begining of the holiday season and for the first time in 26 yrs we won't be home for dinner. No turkey in the oven, no getting everything ready for the house to fill up with family and friends. With you and Aaron gone and Christina and Daniel going to his family's we are going to go to Aunt Lisa's house. I am still taking food...yes I am cooking your ham. I am sure we will have a good time but it sure seems different. Christina and Daniel will get there for desert and we will be making a video to send to Aaron. It's his first time being gone for the holidays. It's hard to believe that he will be 19 this wkend. He is so young to be fighting in a war. It is still so hard for me to picture what he is going through. I am so scared all the time Stephen. Afraid that another car will pull up in the driveway and tear our world apart. This is the 5th holiday season you have been gone...I still find myself looking at things that I know you would like for Christmas. It's a lot different now than when you were here, the house is cluttered with toys. Bailey and Carter are always running and playing and getting into everything. I don't know what I would do without them Stephen...I only wish you could see them, spend one day with them. You would love it!!! They would melt your heart. Nate is going with us to Aunt Lisa's house for dinner...can't seem to get rid of him (HaHa). Well I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and wanted to be the first to say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you son...and wish with all of my heart that you were here!!!
nothing makes sense...and the things that do are impossible. i'm so angry, stephen. sometimes i hate you. sometimes i hate anyone who has a brother. sometimes i hate people just because it's nice to have a real, alive person to be pissed off at...not some damn computer screen or tombstone.
i feel like i'm forgetting you. it's your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it's not my fault. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO LIVE??????????????????????????? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENGRAINING EVERY STUPID, HILARIOUS DAMN MEMORY INTO MY BRAIN SO THAT I MIGHT NOT FORGET MY BIG BROTHER???????????? IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT! ALL OF THIS...YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! IT'S NOT ME.
people think i'm crazy! people have stopped talking to me because they don't feel like i'm coping in a healthy way. people can't look at me because they automatically see you...and instead of just talking about it...the assume i can't. so they say nothing.
and i forget a little more.
and then i come here. i'm supposed to be politically correct and say that we are doing great and that the family is well. that is so that if people come here, they can continue on feeling like the Rice family is whole and entact. it's for their benefit really. because if they know us, if they know us at all, they know that we still have horrible nights like this. that somedays we think of nothing except what could have, should have been. but no one says anything.
and i forget a little more.
sometimes i hate you, stephen.
but i always, always, always love you and miss what could have been. you would tell me to go for it...i know you would.
I had the strangest dream tonight...I was expecting you but was older than I had been in real life. I was at my doctors and he was telling me I could only keep you 21 yrs. So I had decided to just wait a "few" yrs to have you that way you would be here longer...Once again I woke and...I cried.
Jake Butler was killed in a car accident a couple of wks ago, I know you already know this but I wanted to tell you. I talked to Adam and pretty much he sounded like your sister and brother did when you left. Tired, lonely and confused...I cried.
I thought about his parents and what they were going through...I cried.
I thought about the future and how hard it would be for them. Trying to pick up and stay strong and not always being able to and...I cried.
I thought about the hugs they would dream of that would never come. The phone calls they would wait for that would never come. The "Mom Dad I'm home" that they would wait for that would never come...I cried.
I thought about the lonely nights they would face that would come. I thought about the tears that would come. I thought about all the what if's and why us's that would come. I thought about all the bad dreams that would come. I thought about the "family" pictures they would take in the future that no matter how they positioned everyone would always have an empty spot waiting for him to be in that would come...I cried.
I cried for them...I cried for him...I cried for us...I cried for you.
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