Dear Stephen, April the 24th 1983, was the date you were due to be born...I remember going to bed the night before thinking that the next day I would finally be able to hold you in my arms. Not knowing I would still have to wait 13 more days to do that. I knew that you were going to be a boy. I had prayed that you would have blonde hair and brown eyes. Not sure why but when I pictured you that was what I saw. I was already so much in love with you. With every move, kick or hicup I loved you more and more. Back then you only got to have 1 or 2 ultrasounds, if you were lucky. I have several pictures from mine and there is this one, that shows your face so well. It's funny, back then they were not as good as the ones today but this one picture is perfect. When you look at it and your hospital picture you can tell it's the same baby. Because you were 2 wks late, when you were born you weren't all red and wrinkly like your sister and brother (sorry ya'll), who were both born early. You looked like...you right from the start. I remember how excited and scared I was. I was so young and wanted so much to be a great mom. I stayed up all night holding you, feeling something that was so new and powerful too me. A love so strong and pure. I had never felt anything like it before, and only 2 other times since. I loved your daddy and I loved my family. But this was so different it can only be explained as a love between a mother and her child. You were part of me..body heart and soul. I was so thankful that God had sent you to be mine. I knew from the moment I saw you, that I would love and protect you for the rest of my life. I tried so hard to do this Stephen. The loving you part came easy. But I failed at the protecting you part...I am so very sorry. As much love as my heart holds for you, it holds an equal amount of remorse for that failure...and always will. Please know that I will love you for the rest of my life. It will NEVER be LOVED it will always be a present ongoing love. Like Christina and Aaron, I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow. I pray that you not only know this but feel it with all your heart and soul son. As your birthday draws near so many memories come to mind.... I love you Stephen.... Momma
Just me again.... / Momma
Hey Stephen, Just thinking about you and the past, present and future... Things are so different now. So much has changed since you left...I look back over the last 25 yrs and wonder what could/should I have done differently...I watch your sister and Daniel, and Aaron, who is so far from home and wonder what can I say or do that will prevent them from ever having any heart ache. I tried so hard to protect ya'll from the moment you were born and I thought I was doing all the right things to keep bad things from happening to ya'll. Yet somewhere along the line I must have failed you....where Stephen??? Help me to see this, Help me avoid it with the others. In just a few months Stephen we will have another little one running around here, I want and NEED them to be safe son...help me to do this. Help me protect the rest of the family Stephen. I often wonder why such bad things happen to people who try so hard to do the right things...and so many who do so much wrong seem rewarded here in this life... I am sorry to lay all of this on you today..I am just missing you so much!!!! My heart is heavy today son. It has been since that awful night....just not hiding it very well today. I love and miss you so very much........ Momma Close
Just thinking about you and wanted to say hi...It's almost Easter weekend. Since you have been gone we have started having a big dinner and egg hunt. This year we are only doing desserts and the hunt. But last year it was great. It is so funny watching your sister and Daniel and all ya'lls friend's with their own kids. I miss you so much on the holidays. Easter has become one of my favorites I get to see some of your friends that I don't see too often but mostly because with Easter....comes confirmation that I will see you again. Aunt Lisa called me the other night crying and missing you a lot...we talked and cried and talked and cried. It's funny I know so many people do that but most don't call me. I guess they think it would hurt too much, but it helps in some ways I guess cause it reminds me that I am not the only one who hates you not being here!!!! I took a T-shirt out to where you are and put it on a little boy statue that I have out there. Daddy and I brought it back when Aaron finished basic...it says "My brother defends freedom in the US Army". It made me think of you, when you were a baby and walked around the house in t-shirts that were too big. We got one for all you kids. Bailey looks very cute in hers. Aaron also sent her one that has his picture on it....yes I know but what can I do about it???? You would be so proud of all of them Stephen. They have changed so much...God I miss you... I heard your voice the other night, I thought about something and could hear you laughing and say "sweet"...what I would give to be able to hear it more often. I hope one day I will. I think it's hard for me too right now because it hurts so much when I do but boy do I miss it. Well sweetie daddy will be home in a minute so I better go get dinner. Just wanted you to know as always I am thinking of you, missing you, remembering you and of course...loving you with all my heart!!!! Love Always Momma Close
Hey Stephen, Just thinking of you and wanted to let you know what's goin on around here. First your sister is having a boy, I don't know if I have told this or not. I see you up there aleady giving him tips on playing ball and getting the girls. Your brother has finished basic training and is now in AIT school. After that he plans on going through air borne training.With the way the world is today Stephen please keep him safe. I just know I could not go through this again. We are having our Easter get together, hopefully I will get to see some of your friends. I don't get to see them too ofen anymore. You know how life is, folks get busy, bills have to get paid and kids have to get taken care of...no I guess you never had the chance to find out about life yours had really just begun!!!!! Sweetie I miss you so...it NEVER gets easier and the pain NEVER goes away...even when things are good here or when things are funny. Stephen I DO try but the truth is my heart breaks several times a day..first thing everyday, every time ride by a ball field, every time I see someone with your build or about your age or wearing clothes you would have worn. Every time I go out to the cemetery (which is often).Every time I go past Bob's or the funeral home. Every time your sister or brother needs you. Every time something big happens with the family. Every time I see the pain in your daddy's face(or see it in my own). Every time I think about you...and Every time I reach to turn off my light at night ...and the last face I see is yours. Get me through another day..
I love you with all my heart and miss you with every ounce of soul Momma
hey/ Christina Hanselman (sister)
Hey it's me! there's a ton going on right now and I just wanted to be here with you for awhile! I miss you so much! Did you know how lucky I thought I was to have a brother like you? Did I tell you often enough how awesome I thought you were? Did you know that everyone loved you as much as we do? I feel like I failed you in so many ways...there are so many things I wish I could have done differently...like just spending more time with you! I'm all hormonal and stressed out right now and feel like my head might fall off any second...it seems like it's during these times that I feel the void that you left...I thought keeping busy was supposed to help? that's for the damn birds! HA! We're doing good...bailey is getting older and meaner...ha and our little son is growing big and strong and hopefully will have a less exciting entrance into the world. Did you know we're naming him Carter Stephen? yup...after you...cause my heart's desire is that you be proud of me...this sucks... Close
Hey/ Toni
Hey Stephen...it has been so long since I've written to you. I come to your site all the time and never have the words in order when I try to write to you. I miss you alot. I miss all the nights we would talk on the phone about what was going on in our lives, about your "oh so clever" advice on the guy I was currently dating (thanks for that, I learned from it), the nights you would call over and over and over until I woke up and answered just so you could say "hey, oh were you sleeping? Well wake up cause I'm bored!," I miss all the days I would come to GA Bob's and be so paranoid that you would say something or give a mean look to they dude I was dating at the time (so funny) or you would peek around the corner and shake your head "no." It's so funny that I had to keep it a secret that we were still talking to one another, ridiculous really. But as I've already mentioned I am getting married soon, and I think you would approve. It still hasn't hit me yet that I'm getting married. Crazy thought. Memories memories. Just wanted you to know that you made a difference in my life. First loves don't come around but once and thank God you were mine. We had good times, went through bad ones, but we came out great friends. I can't say I wouldn't go back and change a thing because I probably would. I sometimes go back and read all teh letters you arote me from basic training... I regret not coming to visit when you asked me too, I regret it so much and I am so sorry. If I knew now what I didn't know then!! Anyway, that's all for now, I have to cook dinner (God forbid). No, I still don't know how to cook, but I'm still trying. Sorry your mac and cheeze didn't come out great that time, I didn't know you were suppose to add the butter and milk AFTER the noodles were done...but hey you sat there and watched and didnt' say anything so it's not all my fault!! HAHAHA
An Angel by Your Side / Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin) Read >>
An Angel by Your Side / Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin)
May You Always Have An Angel by Your Side
“May you always have an angel by your side Watching out for you in all things you do Reminding you to keep believing in brighter days Finding ways for your wishes and dreams to come true Giving you hope that is as certain as the sun Giving you the strength of serenity as your guide May you always have love and comfort and courage And may you always have an angel by your side Someone there to catch you if you fall Encouraging your dreams Inspiring your happiness Holding your hand and helping you through it all In all of our days, our lives are always changing Tears come along as well as smiles Along the roads you travel, may the miles be a thousand times more lovely than lonely May they give you gifts that never, ever end: someone wonderful to love and a dear friend in whom you can confide May you have rainbows after every storm May you have hopes to keep you warm And may you always have an angel by your side”
Hey you! / Christina Hanselman (sister)
Just thought I'd let you know that Jeff and Morgan have started coming to church with Daniel and me. They've been coming for about a month and Jeff really seems to enjoy it...I think hanging out with me helps him feel closer to you sometimes!! The weather has been beautiful...too bad you're not here...mom would've had you working in the yard with Daniel...some things never change! Alright, brother...gotta go write a paper...did you know I'm in college finally?? You'd be proud right? It make take me 10 years...but I'll finish eventually!! Love you so much! Close
Just thinking about you. It is so hard to believe it has been 2 & 1/2 yrs since I last saw your face or heard your voice...I miss you so much. I know you are getting tired of hearing that but Stephen that is one of the first things that comes to my mind, when I think of you. That and of course...how very much I love you. I have a picture of you on my night table. It's the last thing I look at before I go to sleep. It's the one I took not long before you left, you're sitting on the couch wearing a Sox hat. You have such a sweet smile in that picture, it is one of my favorites. I almost feel like you can really hear me when I say "good night and I love you". Things have changed so much since you have been gone...your sister and brother are so different now. Christina is working on her second baby. And Aaron well... he was still kid, now he is all grown up and in the Army. Your friends are all getting married and having babies. I look around and wonder what would you be doing...would you be married? Would you have children yet I kinda doubt that, but who knows. I know that those things were never in God's plans for you, but they were in mine. So all the what if's and how comes are hard to deal with. I see so many people doing nothing or nothing good with their lives and wonder why not them instead of you. I know that's wrong and in my heart I know the answer to that(this was a good thing for you) but....it's even worse with people who are doing so many bad things... guess as a mom I just want you here and struggle with you being gone even though I know you are in a better place. I hope that all the people who knew you will take advantage of every moment to be the best they can. And if they are not right with God get right...before it's too late. I know in my heart that if you had not accepted Jesus and that I would see you again...this would be unbearable. Well I better go for now, I need to get busy or it wil be another BAD day for me...thank you Stephen for EVERY hug and kiss you gave me. And for EVERY I love you...they help me get through the day. I love you son with all my heart and ache to see you and hold you again. Watch over us and help guide us till we are together again. Love Always, Momma Close
Just me / Momma
Hey Stephen, Just thinking about you and wanted to say hello. Things here are going pretty good. Your sister and her family are doing great. Getting ready for the new baby. Can you inmagine her with 2 kids?? She is really a great mom. I wish you could have known her as such. You would be real proud of her. Your bother is doing real good in the Army. He really loves it...esp blowing things up. You would be proud of the young man he is becoming. He is not the little boy you last saw. It sounds so funny when he says things like "Mom if you need money just take it out of my account". It reminds me so much of you. They have both changed so much since you left... Daddy is getting over arm surgery and doing good. It looks like he may finally come off the road. I know he has mixed feelings about it, but after 30 something years it's time. I am doing good also...okay so you know better but I am trying. I stay VERY busy. You won't believe this I painted our bedroom all my myself, well almost you know daddy helped some. It looks great. I am fixing to move on to Aaron's room. Then the rest of the house. Did I tell you I have taken up photography? I have, I think I am doing pretty good. It's hard not to with the cameras they make today. I also watch Bailey a couple of days a week. Like I said I stay very busy. Daddy and I stopped by to visit with you yesterday. Sorry we didn't stay too long it's just so cold right now. It's real nice out there.(And I hate it because it's cold and sad and lonely and where you are and there is not a damn thing I can do about it). I hope you like the new flowers I put there, that seems to be all that's left for me to do for you. Stephen I just can't stand the thought of you not coming home so just don't think about it. I miss you so much I think if I don't keep moving almost every minute of the day I will loose my mind. It's funny how I miss you...sometimes I miss the little boy and other times I miss the man you had become. It's almost like you become several people in one. No I am not crazy, I think that's normal. But hey what do I know???? I just love and miss you. I better go for now just wanted you to know ...as always you are on my mind. I love you sweetie with all my heart.... Momma Close
Just stopping by / Momma
Hey Sweetie, Just stopping by so you will know I am thinking of you. Everyone here is doing well. I talked to your brother the other day(thanks again for that), and just like you, he is enjoying basic training. Your sister is doing well with her pregnancy. Daniel and Bailey are both doing good. Bailey is getting so big. She looks just like your sister...most of the time. I have seen some of you in her. I also see her daddy in her some. The other day she was napping in my bed, when I went in to check her she was just laying there looking at your picture. It was the sweetest thing you ever saw. I told you we would make sure she knows you, and I promise she does. Your daddy is getting better since his surgery. Did I tell you Justin joined the Army also? He did and is doing well. I have not seen to many from your group since the holidays. I have talked to a couple and all seem to be doing good. Busy with life...as they should be. You would be so surprised at how many are married and have kids. Jeff called the other day and told me he and Morgan are having a girl this time. He is so excited Stephen. He is such a good daddy. Well honey I better go. Just wanted to talk to you. I love you with all my heart and miss you so much. I'll be back soon.
Hey Sweetie, Feb. 4,2006 Today your sister is 22, it is so hard to imagine that she has reach an age older than you did. I am trying so hard to be strong and happy. I am not sure what I feel. I look at your picture every day and still feel like you will be coming home one day. I know in my mind that you won't, but my heart just can't accept that. When I try, I feel like my insides are going to fall apart. And that's where the problem comes in with your sister and brother getting older. Help me Stephen...I want so much to continue being good mom. I don't want to let this pain I feel take over me. I fight it and I hide it. But sometimes I don't think I am doing such a good job. You were so stong Stephen... please send that strength to me. Help me son. Please don't let me loose it. For the sake of everyone else here counting on me, talk to God ask Him to make me strong and give me peace in my heart. I have peace with knowledge that you are safe in His care and that I will see you again. I need the get me through each day kinda peace. I miss you so much Stephen, help me hold it in and hold myself together. I'm counting on you... I love you sweetie with all my heart. You are always in my thoughts. Love & Miss You, Momma
Just Momma wanting to talk / Momma
Hey Stephen, 1/23/07 Just thinking about you and wanted to talk. It's early and Daddy has already gone to work, so the house is empty. I talked to Aaron the other day and he loves the Army. Push-ups and all!!!! Christina, Daniel and Bailey are doing great also. Did I tell you I am painting my bedroom??? I am, it's a pretty yellow and I love it. I am pretty much repainting every room. But it will take me awhile. I'm thinking about changing your marker...just not sure it suits you. Not sure it's good enough, special enough... whatever enough. Honey I think about you all the time and miss you so much. I know I tell you that every time I talk to you but I don't think I can really put into words what that means!!!! I never thought much about losing one of you kids, it always made me nauseous, but when I did I knew the pain would be great...but I never could have even imagined how great it really would be. Some people tell me they know how I must feel. I wish they would explain it to me, cause I don't know how to feel. Do I feel sad, mad or glad that you have gone to heaven??? I overheared a lady not long ago talking about how her son had had an accident. She was saying how God really loved them cause He saved her son. Part of me wanted to SCREAM at her no, He loved my son enough to call him home. But I just sat there...too sad to say anything. Most people just don't say anything. If only they knew how much I need to hear your name, and know you mattered to them. I don't think about that night too much, I just can't Stephen. Thinking about you being afraid or hurting or any of the other things you went through are just too much for me. I'm sorry honey I am just not that strong. Please understand that and forgive me... I need to go for now Stephen, know that you are loved, missed and thought of constantly. You are my son and I still need you!!! Always All My Love Momma Close
home sweet home / Toni
Hey Stephen, Sorry it took so long for me to stop in on here, I've been very busy. I moved back to Georgia. I missed it so much, now I'm happy. I hear you're going to be an uncle again. That's so great that Christina and Daniel are having another baby. Well, I'm getting settled in here. Still looking for a house to buy. I'm starting to plan my wedding. Isn't it crazy? I'm getting married. I hope you will be there that day. I don't know what date yet, I'm still working on that. I sit and think, "I'm going to be a wife...a WIFE!" I never thought it would happen, but now it's going to and I wish so much you could be there to dance with me on my wedding day. I hope your mom and dad and the family will come. I haven't even ordered invitations yet, I have to set a date first. Stressful planning. Anyway, just wanted to stop in and say hi. Still miss you. Love ya Toni Close
Picture/ Momma
Hey Sweetie, Jan.15,2006 Just wanted you to know, we had a group picture taken a couple of weeks ago. This was very hard for me to do, but I had to Stephen. It was only fair to the other kids. I hope you understand. I cannot tell you how much I wish I had push ya'll harder to find the time to get this done more often as you got older. They turned out petty good. As you can tell there is a space between Daniel and Aaron for you. Not sure how that happened... maybe you were there with us after all. We are doing pretty good. I talked to your brother the other day boot camp is going well. Your sister is doing fine with her pregnancy so far. They replace the statue and repainted the benches out where you are, it looks real nice. Well hon, it's about 3:00am and I am kinda tired. I love and miss you so very much. Think of you all the time.
Angels/ Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin)
"Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you." -Saint Francis de Sales
Just wanted to talk to ya...so here I am. I am doing okay I guess. Missing you and your brother alot. Thank goodness for your sister(you know she reads this so I have to say that). But it is true. I don't know what I would do without her. Can you beleive she is having another baby??? I really wish you could have seen her with her children. She is really a great mom. Bailey and your Daddy have been sick, but are both starting to feel better. I talked to Jeff the other day, they are doing great. Your brother called last night he is doing good also. Says it is very cold and windy there. Nothing much else going on around here. I miss you so much Stephen. I rode past Bob's today...can still see you out there working. Always miss you even more when I go past places like that. So hard to believe how long it has been...then at other times..oh well. Just wanted to say hi and tell you I love you son. Talk to you soon.
Well Sweetie, The year 2006 has come to an end. It's so hard to believe that 2 whole years have come and gone without you here, and tomorrow starts yet another year that you will not see. You are still so much a part of my everyday. I see your face everytime I open the fridge. I see your hats and gloves everytime I walk into the living room. I see your name everytime I drive my car. I think of you everytime I breath. I love you with every beat of my heart. Ringing out the old and in the new just don't mean what it use to. They hold a certain amount of sadness for me...what you did not get to see and do, and what you will not get to see and do. I stay very busy these days. Redoing things around the house or taking care of the rest of the family. Did tell you that I redid my kitchen? It's red now and I have redone the hall bath. And now Bailey as her own room here...pink and green. She uses Aaron's old room. I think you knew about that, just didn't get to see it done. What do you think about our sister having another baby? I thought about it the other night and I could just imagine you loving on him/her up there and telling all kinds of stories about us. And the family waiting here for him/her. Have I told you that Bailey calls me Nana and your daddy Pop-pop? It's great having her here Stephen. Aaron is leaving on Thursday for basic. It's going to be lonely around here without him. Daddy and I took your Christmas tree down yesterday. It was so pretty, hope you liked it. I guess you know about my Aunt Helen? Please meet her at the gates and welcome her to heaven when she gets there. She has one of the sweetest souls I have ever known. Well Stephen I better go for now. I love and miss you.
Merry Christmas Stephen Just wanted to stop in and wish you the Merriest Christmas ever. I can only imagine the celebration ya'll had. We have had a lot of people in and out over the last couple of days. I have been very busy cooking, and yes I did fix all the things you like. It makes me feel close to you. I miss you so much all the time...but even more so on the holidays!!! Daddy and Aaron went out to see you early in the morning.I just could not go out there on Christmas morning in the rain, too sad for me. I am sorry about that. I did come and sit with you later in the day. I have watched several old home movies over the last several days. It is so good to see your face and hear your voice. You would not believe how much I miss hearing your voice!!!! Christmas morning is very different now with only Aaron here at home. I guess next year even he will be gone. He leaves the 4th of Jan for basic. I see your sister has told you about the new baby!!! We are all very excited about it. A little nervous, Please ask God to let this one get done baking before He sends it down here. I don't think I will need this one early. I guess you may have already seen him or her...kiss that sweet little thing and tell him,/her that Nana will be waiting and I am already in love!! Summer brought over a pic of you and her on ya'lls graduation.I showed it to Bailey and she had to love on it right then. Stephen...she does love you, even with out meeting you here. Jeff's baby is walking..only 9 months old. Just like you!!! Did I tell you Justin is finished with basic? He is home for the holidays as well. He is doing great. I Know I am rambling...just hate to say goodbye. Stephen nothing will ever be as good with you not here...but I am doing my best to make it happy and keep it feeling like home for the rest of the family. Please understand and send me as much help as possible. I love you son and you are always in my thoughts and my HEART Merry Christmas Stephen!!
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