3 years ago... / Momma
My Dear Stephen, Sept. 8 2007 10:30pm
It's about an hour away from being 3 years ago that you left my world. I have relived that whole last week over and over again this past week, I can't even tell you how many times. All the would haves, could haves and should haves. All the last words we said, all the last smiles, hugs and kisses we shared. All the be home after work. And like most families in this position..I wish for so many more. I have been reading all the tributes and candles everyone has left. I know how much you are loved and missed..I (like your sister) also wonder what your last thoughts were. I have spent so many sleepless nights worried they were of fear. I have had to try and put that to the side for my own sanilty Stephen. I hope you can understand that and forgive me. I have to hope that as God reached for you and you reached out to Him that you left with wonderful thoughts, memories and nothing but love in your heart. I hope that by now you have been able to see how hard we tried to be good parents to each of you. Falling short many times I'm sure, but doing the best we knew how. I also hope you can see so clearly how much we love you son. I think of you so many times everyday Stephen. I still pick up the phone to call you..I have finally stopped dialing your number, just to see it in my call history. Daddy and I went on a trip for our 25th last month. It's funny how much you seem to be a part of our anniversary. I guess because you were the 1st born. I dreamed about your daddy long before I ever knew him...I dreamed of the perfect man for me and he has been that. I also dreamed about my children long before I had any. I knew many years before you came along that I wanted to have a family. You were the start of that and I have enjoyed it so much Stephen. My only regrets are that you are not here to continue this journey with us. That I will never be able to hold the children that I have dreamed you would give me. That I never got to see the man I dreamed you would become. You have left a hole so big in our lives Stephen. One that a thousand years could not fill. As we mark this 3rd year of your leaving Stephen, remembering everything about you, all the things you did and all the things you didn't. Know that you are as much of our lives today as then. That you are my 1st born, that we are proud of you. We miss you and we will FOREVER love you son. You will never be forgotten...because you will never really be gone. Thank you...for being mine!!!
Seems like in so many ways you've been gone forever. Then again...thinking back to that horrible night, it seems like just yesterday. I wonder to myself sometimes just how many anniversaries and birthdays we'll have to go through before they get any easier...I imagine that they'll always be this difficult. My heart knows that you're with Jesus and you're safe and happy. I believe this with everything that I have. I still wonder about that night, though. Were you scared? did you have any idea what was happening? What were your last thoughts? My guess would be that they were of all of us. Of mom and dad...how happy they made us all kids. I hope you thought of Aaron and myself and the long hours of playing outside or whispering through the vents. I hope you thought of Bailey...you knew I was pregnant...I wonder if you got to meet her in Heaven before she was born. I wonder if you realized how much everyone truly cares about you...probably not...you weren't a selfish person so I doubt you spent the last minutes of your life thinking about yourself! Stephen, I'm so sorry I wasn't there that night. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you and those that could've...didn't in time. I'm sorry that this had to happen to you...to us. I take hope knowing that Jesus is the maker of all things good...and that even though Satan meant it for evil...God will and has turned it into good. It will never be okay that you're not here...we'll never completely heal and we'll never completely accept it...but we are grateful to God for every single second we had you in our lives and you taught us to treasure every second with our family...especially Bailey and Carter! I'll never forget...Stephen...you are my brother...I love you.
It's that time again / Toni Harvey (friend)Read >>
It's that time again / Toni Harvey (friend)
Hey Stephen. It's that time of year again. I hate that it has to be "that time of year." I hate this!! I hate having to write to you and not being able to call you!!! My heart just aches. I use to love September because it's my birthday month and you called every year. Now I dread the ninth month of the year. I think about you even more during this month. Not that I don't think of you in other months, don't be so technical. I was sitting at work today just reliving little moments in my head. All the memories we shared. One day we hated each other the next day we were best friends. I thought about the first time I saw you in high school when you had your friend come over and get my number...what a charmer, makes me laugh. I think about the first time we went to the movies...Star Wars, your mom dropped us off. I remember the first time you called me, we talked on the phone for 4 hours trying not to talk to loud because it was past our phone curfew...little did I know, my mom could hear every word I said, her room was just right next to mine. I remember we use to take walks around your neighborhood and just talk about friends and how our day was at school. I also have so many regrets. If I would have just called you back like I said I would. WHY didn't I just call you back!!! Now I'll never get a chance to. I hate it!! I hate having regrets, but what can I do?????I miss you and all I want to do is talk to you. Is that too much to ask!!!! Well, I'm getting married in 4 months or so. Can you believe that?!?!?! Me...married? what!! I will remember you and I'll being wishing you were there. I hope you will be there watching me vow my life away. HA, I make it sound so bad. But you know what I mean. I hope you are there. I just hope I don't trip down the aisle, you know, because I'm so graceful and everything. We are all growing up. I don't think I like it yet. I want to go back to high school knowing what I know now. I want more memories before we have to go into the real world. I want so much. I need to build a time machine. I love you and I'm thinking of you and your mom and dad and brother and sister, your niece and your nephew. I love them all and they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I didn't know that when I met you, I would also meet the strongest, most loving family I have ever seen in my life. They are great Stephen. Love you! Close
Circle of Friends / Michelle "Fike" Morris (Friend)Read >>
Circle of Friends / Michelle "Fike" Morris (Friend)
I wrote this sometime last year and just found it recently.
The Circle of Friends
Another year has come and gone Familys have grown, and friends have been lost Together we have made it through Together......It's what we do Joy and happiness, sorrow and tears Side by side we'll conquer our fears The Circe of Life The Circle of Friends Standing Together Always The End
I if only I could....rewind this week 3 years ago / Momma Read >>
I if only I could....rewind this week 3 years ago / Momma
Stephen, Every year since you left me this week is harder than I would have ever thought. I relive every day, every moment. I see you all over the house, I hear your voice. I even think I hear you coming in at night. Yet at the same time nothing here is like it was the last time you came home. Your brother and sister are both grown and gone. Christina is now a great mom of the sweetest children. Bailey asks me about you all the time. The other day she told me you were going to take her out to eat...I told her that you would have loved to take her out and that if you were here you would take her all the time. She always wants to call you on the phone, like she does Uncle Aaron. I have told her all she has to do is talk to you and that you can hear every word. We have done this several times. Aaron is different now. He was only 14 and still just a kid the last time you saw him. Now he is a soldier in the army. He is doing very well. He was just promoted. You would be so proud of the man he has become. I know the two of you would be great friends. I miss you so very much...words are just NOT strong enough to tell you how much. Please look in my heart son...see, feel and always know how much I love and miss you. I will always have 3 children Stephen. Don't think that I don't still count you. I ALWAYS will. I am just as proud of you as I am of Christina and Aaron. Thinking of you, remembering you, missing you and as always loving you.
Just Me / Momma
Hey Sweetie, Been very busy around here. It seems I just can't stay busy enough to keep from thinking about or missing you. It's not that I don't want to think about you, it's the missing that kills me. I don't know how long it takes to do one without the other. I still fight to keep from breaking down everytime I open the fridge. I have so many of your pictures there. Yet I always (ok..almost always) find a way. I know that this is a pain I have to learn to live with. But I sure hate it Stephen!!!! Your sister and the new baby are both doing great. Bailey has taken right to him. And yes she calls him "Brother". She reminds me so much of your sister and I know he will remind me of you and Aaron. Aaron is doing great in the Army. He has really grown up...you would be so proud of him. Keep a watch out over him for me, please. He is so far from home. Daddy and I are about to have our 25th anniversary. Seems like yesterday...we were in Christina and Daniel's shoes. What I'd give to go back!!!!! Just wanted to say I love you sweetie...and I miss you so much!!!
Sorry I have not been by for several days but we have been very busy. You know better than anybody that Carter Stephen is here....!!! I spent that last day before he got here imagining you giving him last minute baseball advice and tips on how to get girls.Just sounded like something you would do...I wonder why??? (I won't tell you what Lana told your sister you were doing...but you can just imagine.) He weighed 6 lbs 7 oz and was 20 inches long. And is the cutest little thing. Your sister and Daniel are doing great. It took a day but Bailey has warmed up to him. Things went a lot smoother this time. It's hard to believe he is 6 times bigger than Bailey was. Aaron was not able to be home, but he should get to come home by Christmas. I was holding Carter at the hospital and one of Christina's nurses said she thought he looked like me. I just thought...it's not me he looks like, but his Uncle Stephen. He has a lot of your features. I wonder if he will get your beautiful brown eyes??? I let Christina and Daniel use your coming home outfit. He had his hospital picture taken in it, (I'll add it here later for you). I was not there when he had it on, but your sister said he really looked like you wearing that!!!! Stephen...I really missed you even more this past week. I wish you could be here ALL the time but especially at times like this. We all felt your presence at the hospital. And we all missed you so much. We did pretty good...hiding it from each other, but we can all tell when the other is thinking about and missing you. Your Daddy and I had Bailey all weekend. Stephen she is your sister made over!!!! And yes she talks ALL the time!!!! She is a mess. You won't believe this..the other day she was in my bathroom and pull your electric razor and Aaron's hair clippers out of the cabinet. Of course she asked whats this? I told her razor and hair clippers. She said no..Uncle Stephen's razor and Uncle Aaron's clippers. I guess I had told her before who's was who's and she remembered. I told you we would make sure she knows you and she does!!! You are not just a picture she sees..you are real. I promise you it will aways be that way. With all these little ones we get. Well I better get moving, just wanted to update you and as always remind you how much I love and miss you. Don't worry...I'll keep you posted on everyone here.
Dear Stephen, I have been doing a lot of thinking/dreaming about all the 1 mores I wish I could have...1 more; Mom I'm home, 1 more; what's for dinner, 1 more; answering the phone and hearing your voice on the other end. 1 more time calling your number and you answering it or hearing your silly messages...I can't tell you how many times I have called your phone since you left only now... someone else answers it. 1 more kiss goodbye; 1 more time trying to stand tall enough to hug you...you were a great hugger. 1 more time hearing you drive up at night and the garage door closing, that always let me know everyone was home safe. 1 more get together with family and friends and hearing you saying the blessing. Stephen I could go on for days with this. I even wish for the chance to go through that awful time again, from the moment the police came and we went to the hospital till...we came home without you. 1 more chance to get it right. I am not sure what right is. I do know I would have stayed by your side from the time I got to the hospital till the time they put you in the ground. I would not have let the funeral home rush me to have the services earlier than I wanted. I would have found the nerve to ask a couple of your friends to speak, at the time I just did not think they could do it. They were all so hurt. I just don't feel I did justice to you and all the people you touched. It has been almost 3 yrs now and I still go into places ad have people ask me about you. I guess I just want 1 more chance to have you home...and keep you home!!! I love you so much Stephen, I miss you every single second of everyday!! Please help me find the strength to get through the day, 1 more time...everyday till it's time for us to be together 1 more time again...only then it will be for forever. Till then I will go on dreaming of 1 mores and of you. Gratefull for the time we had and the memories you left behind. I love you sweetie.... Momma
Hey Sweetie, Sorry it has been awhile since I stopped by and said Hi...I am doing better after this last surgery. It went a lot better than we had thought it would. This was one of those where I have to be awake...the last one you remember took about 6 1/2 hrs. This time it was only about 2 1/2-3 hrs. I could feel your presence in the room with me...I was not nearly as afraid as the last time. I know I tell you to just check in on us a little because I really want you to always be having such a great time in heaven but I was sure glad you were there!!!! Thank you so much... I know it has always been hard on you when ever I had to have surgery, so your being there I know was hard for you but it means more than I can tell you. Shae stopped by to visit and brought me some pictures and told me some stories that I had not heard before...good thing for you!!! Aaron is now n Texas and doing very well he really likes the Army. Christina only has about 6 wks left till the baby comes. Can you believe we will have 2 little ones running around here. I have not seen Jeff and Morgan's new baby yet, Christina and I are planning to go by soon. I saw a bunch of the girls you went to school with at Christina's shower...most are expecting. That's one of the hardest parts about you not being here...the what if's and the I wonder's. You are missed so much Stephen...I love you son. With All My Love Momma
Heaven/ Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin)
“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
Just me / Momma
Hey Sweetie, Just stopping by to update you everything around here... Aaron is home and looks great. He seems so grown up. Christina is almost 6 1/2 months along and doing great also. She is so cute pregnant. She never really looked that way before...guess cause she never got this far along. We went to a ballgame last night at Luther Williams. Macon has a new team called the Macon Music...I know I can hear you laughing now at the name. It was hard being there...I could see you out there from the times I took you for different things.We all thought you could have pitched better than most of the guys they had. That was the first game I have watched since you left. It felt both good and bad... I was teaching Bailey what to holler and when. I think she liked it. But like always it's hard to do things with the "whole family"...when you're not here!!! But we try. Aaron's got a girlfriend, they started dating not long after you left..she seems to fit right in. She asks about you and what you were like. I try to tell her all about you. She seems good for Aaron. Well that's about all...Daddy and I are both hanging in there. Doing all we can to help each other and the other kids. We miss you so very much Stephen...all day every day!!!!!!!!!!! Ask God to help me son....I miss you so very much. I hurt deeper than I would have ever thought I could. I try to hide it...but I don't think I am doing a very good job of it. Just don't know who to talk to about it....or how. I love you Stephen. And I miss you.
Love Always Momma p.s. I will talk to you more about my last letter next time.... Close
wow/ Christina Hanselman (sister)
Obviously people are still heated over everything that happened almost two years ago. Unlike mom and most other family, I have forgiven your friends and I truly don't believe in my heart that they expected what happened to actually happen. Should things have been different? yes! should someone stopped the tragedy that swallowed you up? absolutely...but they didn't and being angry doesn't change that or bring you back. I only hope that they think of you everyday and strive to honor you and your memory. I want nothing bad for anything and actually I enjoy the rare times I get to talk to or see them! I'm hurt, obviously, but not by what they did...I'm hurt by you being gone. That'll never change...but your friends are my friends...and will be always! I love you...life is crazy around here! my belly is getting bigger everyday (you'd probably start quacking at me now if you were here!) I can't wait to meet my little guy...I'm sure I'll see you in him many times throughout his life...I was and am still very proud of the man you grew into...I hope my son is half the man you were! I love you! Close
YOUR MOMMA / Aunt Lisa (Aunt)
Well Stephen it's about time your momma let out some anger to those so called friends of yours who was with you that night you lost your life. I am so proud of her, they need to hear what she has to say, not just read it!!!!!!!!!!!! I will never understand it and I will never forgive them!!!! We all have lost so much on that night and we'll never get over it. I love you Stephen and I always will. Keep watching over us, especially your momma and daddy. They need that. I will talk to you soon. Your Aunt Lisa Close
Amen Patty! / Dianne Street (friend)
Amen Patty! I can only hope that the people who need to -read what you wrote! And his FRIENDS agree with you 1000%!! Close
I just wanted to tell you a couple of things. First I finally got the nerve to read the police report from the night we lost you...I never could understand why you were over at those apts. Other than Travis, I knew you did not hang out with those guys much. From what I knew and have found out mostly just when ya'll played ball. I know you thought everyone you knew was a friend to you. But Stephen these boys were not your friends. I know how funny you were and how you liked to joke around. But I had never heard and have still never heard (and I have been checking for over 2 years) that you would play these kinds of jokes. So all that stuff they said about thinking it was a joke is nothing but lies. To make themselves feel better and CYTA. I would also think that had it been a joke on your part in the beginning...some where along the line your voice would have changed and it would have been clear that you were in trouble. I know this is going to make you mad because you always defended everyone...but these guys were, are and will always be nothing!!!! Only a couple of them even tried to help you, once they knew you were in trouble and then only AFTER telling a man you were fine and then seeing another man get in his boat and try and get to you. THEY should have been the first ones in the water. And they should have ALL been trying to help. It was foolish on your part to swim in a lake after dark...you knew better Stephen. I know you were counting on these boys to be there if you got into trouble. Which is why you made up the code word...which THEY ALL ignored. Kyle decided he was not going to get involved and get wet for no reason so he just went back in. When he came back out and saw everyone in the water he did call the police... Jerry who started all this crap by saying he had swam out to the same spot, which I have heard is NOT true went inside when you started calling for help, for several minutes. When he came back out and realized they could not find you he then went and put on a pair of shorts and THEN finally went in the water! Travis who admits he waited too long, is the only one who has ever apologized. And I can tell by the look in his eyes is truly sorry that he didn't get to you in time. And because of this..he is the only one I have been able to forgive. Josh who lied about the marijuana,(I know this because I had to read your autopsy report, something NO mother and father should ever have to read) and Derek did get in the water. But again not till after the man in the boat. And for them the water was just too cold...I have often wondered how cold you must have been........ My heart has broken many times over since that night Stephen. Thinking of you out there in the dark, cold, alone and not understanding why your "friends" weren't helping. This I can not explain to you nor can I explain why some are not in jail for it. It's called reckless abandonment, and people have gone to jail for it many times and should have in this case. I only hope that they will take this experience and learn from it. I pray they will make something out of their lives. Find some way to make themselves better men to help make up for the life you would/could have had if only... I just thought you should know all of this...
Happy Birthday / Toni
I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday! I'm so on time this year!!! Just sitting here thinking about how hard today must be on your family, so be with them Stephen. I miss you and love you alot. Happy Birthday! Close
Dear Stephen, I want so much to hold you and tell you how much I love you and how proud of you I am. And that I hope you have a great birthday, and then spend the rest of the day cooking all your favorites, or deciding where we should all go eat. We will still have your dinner...and yes your apple pie and ice cream. But like your last 3 birthday's...you won't be here. And like last year, your brother won't be here either. I really HATE empty chairs at my dinner table. I spent yesterday reliving every moment from that wonderful day 24 yrs ago. From the time I was admitted until I took you home...on my 1st Mother's day. Daddy and I spent part of yesterday taking you, your new flowers and holding each other and crying about how unfair it is and how TO soon you left. I really don't know how we have gotten through this Stephen...we both love you so much. It has been so hard. As we were standing there holding each other I noticed all the cars going by...did they know you?? Were they some of the lucky ones?? Could they imagine the pain in our hearts? This I will never know...so I stand and cry and try to find a way to live without knowing why. The pain is strong, thank God so are daddy and I. With his arms around me and the Lord above, we will carry on and spend part of May 7th, taking you new flowers for the rest of our lives. I am truely blessed Stephen...I am your mother. I love you with all that I am. I know this pain I feel will never fade...nor will the love you brought to me 24 years ago today.
Everyone misses you so much. I dont think another person ever lived who brought more happiness than you did. Actually you still do through all the stories we all still tell. My favorite memory of you was at Jeffs one summer. I remember you were teasing your sister and when she left, I got on to you. Then you told me that your sister was your best friend and picking on her that way was a term of endearment. That captured my heart. Anyway, You really are missed dearly but im positive that everyone still feels you shining down from heaven...
hey again! / Christina Hanselman (sister)
Just wanting to write while Bailey was sleeping and I had a quick second! I can't believe you would've been 24 tomorrow...wow!! I'm choosing to not be sad anymore...I feel like for so long we've had this cloud overhead and I'm saying NO MORE! I'm choosing, for the rest of my life, to celebrate you and your life...and I just can't think of you being at a party and it being mopey and mundane. I want to live life and laugh and enjoy every second...just like I'm sure you'd want. There's a song out that reminds me of you and my newfound decision to celebrate and rejoice your life...it's by my favorite band MercyME and it's called "Jesus bring the rain"...here are the lyrics...
I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord My only shelter from the storms But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know There’ll be days When this life brings me pain But if that’s what it takes to praise You Jesus Bring the Rain
I am Yours regardless of The dark clouds that may loom above Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny So tell me what’s a little rain
Holy, Holy, Holy Is the Lord God Almighty
I think that song just reiterates God's goodness even in times that are dark and lonely and scary. I hope you'd be proud of the person that I am...I was certainly proud of you. I'll be thinking of you (like always) and you be sure to keep an eye on mom and dad...it's still so hard for them! I love you, brother! Close
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