I had the strangest dream tonight...I was expecting you but was older than I had been in real life. I was at my doctors and he was telling me I could only keep you 21 yrs. So I had decided to just wait a "few" yrs to have you that way you would be here longer...Once again I woke and...I cried.
Jake Butler was killed in a car accident a couple of wks ago, I know you already know this but I wanted to tell you. I talked to Adam and pretty much he sounded like your sister and brother did when you left. Tired, lonely and confused...I cried.
I thought about his parents and what they were going through...I cried.
I thought about the future and how hard it would be for them. Trying to pick up and stay strong and not always being able to and...I cried.
I thought about the hugs they would dream of that would never come. The phone calls they would wait for that would never come. The "Mom Dad I'm home" that they would wait for that would never come...I cried.
I thought about the lonely nights they would face that would come. I thought about the tears that would come. I thought about all the what if's and why us's that would come. I thought about all the bad dreams that would come. I thought about the "family" pictures they would take in the future that no matter how they positioned everyone would always have an empty spot waiting for him to be in that would come...I cried.
I cried for them...I cried for him...I cried for us...I cried for you.
The scream that started building.... / Momma Read >>
The scream that started building.... / Momma
Dear Stephen,
Did I ever tell you about the night you left us?? It was late, the police did not get our house until you had already been taken to the hospital. There were 3 that made that visit. I have often wondered especially when we come home after dark what they thought or were feeling as they pulled up the driveway...I know it had to have been hard on them. Knowning they were about to destroy our world. I know those calls are always hard on the guys. Your daddy has had to make them many times, but this time was different. This time it was one of their own. They knew they would continue to see us and work with your daddy everyday. They told him at the front door I was in bed I could hear them talking but thought at first it was you...that for some reason you could not get in. After a few mins I got up to see what was taking so long. Your daddy asked me to stay upstairs...I knew it was bad then. He started up the steps and I asked what was wrong...all he said was it's Stephen and I knew. I knew you were gone. We stood in the doorway to our room and just cried and held on as I prayed they were wrong...knowning all the time that they would not have come unless they were sure. Over the next hour or so we called your sister and woke your brother...changing their lives forever. We waited for Daniel and Christina to get to the house before we left to go to the hospital. We wanted to go as a family. Seems strange now that my first instinct was not to drive as fast as I could to get there. We were all crying but calm in some way that I can't explain. When we got there they took us in the little room that only the unluckiest of people get taken to. After a long wait they took your daddy and I first...I must confess that I still was praying they were wrong. But also thinking about you and how you would want us to handle this in public. She opened the door and there you lay, I could feel a scream building but knew I had to hold it in. I remembered one time at the grocery store you got upset with me when I complain about something...you walked off and later asked me to never do that again with you there. I knew this night I could not let you down. I had to be strong I had to put on a front...stay on my feet and hold in that scream. I wanted so badly to scoop you up in my arms Stephen and hold you like I did the night you were born...but I didn't Stephen and I am so sorry. I touched you, touched your face held your hand. Tried to take in every detail of you just as I had done the night you were born, but this night I did it...knowing it would be one of the last times I ever saw you. Trying to absorb the fact that you, my first born was gone at 21...But I knew that if I held you in my arms I would not be able to hold in that scream that was building...I knew that if I held you...I would go crazy. Stephen I knew I would not be able to let you go. I should have held you, I should have held you in my arms all night one last time. I am so sorry...I don't know if it was what you wanted or needed. I just kept thinking you would want me to be strong and I knew if I held you I would never be strong again. Did I do the right thing?? I have often wondered about this. Could you see us? Were you proud of us or did we let you down?? Everything else happened so fast...we wanted to wait til Mon the 13th for the funeral but they told us we could not wait that long. We had to do it on Sat the 11th. I don't remember very many details. Not real sure how it all got planned or even all that was said. I just knew that you were gone and I had to find a way to let everyone say goodbye. I wanted to ask a couple of other people to talk. But after seeing them at the house knew they would not be able. The pain we saw on so many faces Stephen you would not have believed it. You touched so many son. So many people knew that day that their lives would never be the same. As I watched that scream was still building...I held your friends and family told them it would be okay. Thanked them for coming still trying to be stong still trying to find a way to change it...still staying on my feet. Still trying to make you proud. It has now been over 4 yrs Stephen and I know I was wrong. I should have screamed I should have changed it. Today that scream that started building that night is still building I don't know how much longer I can hold it in...I am afraid of what will happen when I can't hold it any longer. Help me son...
I don't think I can stand this much longer...I need you home!!! I have tried and tried. I don't know how else to get through each day...I get up with a broken heart and go to bed with one. I don't know which day is the worst...the 9th of Sept or the 11th. I can't stand thinking about the day you left us and I can't stand thinking about the day I let them put you in the ground!!!! I just could not find a way to stop it...hell Stephen I could not even think, I don't know how I got through those days. I don't even really remember everything that happened. I don't know how I have gotten through the last 4 yrs. I can't stand thinking about each day since you left or all the days to come.
I need you here...I asked God to make me perfect 3 times in my life...and He did. He gave me 3 healthy happy babies. I tried to repay Him by taking care of each of you as best as I could. Sometimes with laughter and sometimes with firmness. But always with all the love I had in my heart. Stephen I am not done...I need all 3 of you here!!! I am not complete without each of you.
I still can't believe that it has been 4 yrs since I last heard your voice, touched your face, heard "I love you Momma" or kissed you goodbye. Alot has changed around here in 4 yrs, your sister now has 2 beautifull children who have toys scattered from one end of the house to the other, your brother is now a man, in the Army. He is deployed to Afganastan. Daddy and I well you know us...we never change. We often talk when we are alone about how you would have changed. Wonder what you would be doing. Wonder how much your face would have changed...probablly would have lost all the kid look about you. Hard to imagine you being 25 now, to me that was the age that told me I was grown up...and I already had 2 kids. Funny what numbers mean.
You are still here in so many ways son. Your pictures, your ballgloves and balls are still in the living room. Your hats are still in the living room. Your Air Force uniforms are pressed and hung in the closet. Your toothbrush is still in the stand. Your family still misses you. We talk so much about you...sometimes with tears and all the what ifs and how comes. Sometimes thanks to Christina and Aaron we laugh at you as they make jokes or remind us of things you did. Like the time you came squealing down the hall because some killer moth was after you...or about your girly laugh as they like to call it. Or how you would lay in bed at night and watch tv alone...and laugh so loud we could all hear you. You left a lot of things to miss...and a lot of things to laugh at. You left a large empty space in our heart and lives. Every night as Daddy and I close the pool...we see all 3 of ya'lls footprints in the bottom of the pool, from where we let ya'll in a day early. I thank God everyday for those.
Stephen I miss you so much...I can't guess how many times I have said that in the last 4 yrs...or how many times I will say it in the future. My heart is broken. I have the rest of the family and I have your niece and nephew to help me through each day. Without them I would have no reason to get up. As much as I love them there is still this hugh hole that only you can fill. I still just don't understand how this happened...
Like I told you one time before, I will be your mother from the day you were born till the day I die..that has not changed. You brought the joy of motherhood to me. You my first born, my sweet blond haired brown eyed baby boy...just what I asked God to send me. Just what I to this day thank God for. I love you Stephen and I always will.
I have been up most of the night again...bad dreams. I think I am up because of you more now than when you were a baby!! You have kinda become more than one person...some days I miss that sweet little baby that I had. Sometimes I miss that little 5 yr old that wanted to marry me. Other times it's that 10 yr old just beginning to dream of life as pro ball player. Still other times it's that 13-14 yr old renting a limo for his first dance...then it's that cocky 17 yr old who could not wait to start his life and knew it all. Then it's that 21 yr old that walked out of my house to go to work on Sept. 8 2004 never to return...I miss you all.
I have asked how many times can one heart be shattered...??? I think the answer is many many times for each and every memory. I just don't know if I am strong enough to continue to have mine shattered....I think of and remember so many things everyday. A place, a song, a smell, there is no telling what will trigger the biggest melt down for me. Your daddy and I often talk about the past and what could have been. Your sister and brother will be so sad one min and then making fun of you the next...I guess I just want you to know that you are still so much a part of us...we hate you not being here and as much as it's hurts to think of or remember....it would be unbearable not to. I will continue to let my heart be shattered many times a day, it's worth it just to be able to think of you.
I love you son...more than I can find the words to say. I wish for one more I love you and one more kiss goodbye everyday...guess I always will.
didn't forget / Toni Perkins (friend)
Hello there. It's been a while. Thought alot about you, just never know how exactly to put things in words. Well, I got married. Wierd huh. Never thought that would happen. I could imagine what you would say to that. I don't even want to know what comment that would be. I saw Christina, Carter, and your mom yesterday. They all look great and Carter.....oh my goodness, what an adorable baby boy. Christina said she found some letters......I could only imagine. It's funny. I also found letters. From high school and from while you were off in the air force. I was laughing to tears reading those the other day. Good times. I just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you and I still think of you all the time. Miss you. Close
so/ Christina Hanselman (sisiter)
deep, never ending, often subsiding but always returning...never escaping but often eluding...the pain of losing you. not ever in my grasp but never further than a breath away...you stopped life when you stopped breathing. always changing but still in suspense...always continuing but constant repeating...still fighting but eventually succumbing...death overtaking...life departing...never enough love to keep you but plenty of pain to pass around...years worth of guilt is looming and years of grief is waiting...the pain of losing you. wondering, but never asking, afraid to even think it...was the joy of you living worth the terror you dying? Close
Just wanted to stop by and say hi...I miss you so much sweetie. It's seems harder with Aaron overseas now. It's hard to explain...but most things like this are. Daddy and I went to Tx to see him off. It was so hard letting him go...just don't know what to do till I know he is safe again.
Daddy and I bought you some lights they look just like the other ones but I like them. I promise you will never be in the dark out there. Sorry my visits lately are so short but you remember how hot it gets around here. I will sit longer when it cools off.
Christina's kids are doing so good...Bailey is a mix I think of Christina and me. She is so funny Stephen. We were leaving the cemetery one day and she stopped and turned and told you to be good and she wished you would hurry up and get out of this old cemetery...she realized the other day that you and Jesus are living in the same place. That impressed her. Carter well he is more like Christina and Aaron right now. He is our big hugger. It is so hard to believe he will be one in a couple of wks!!! We really enjoy having them around. Your sister told me the other day how she knew you would have been a great uncle. She and Daniel are really doing great. He has really become such a hugh part of the family. You won't believe this she cut off all her hair and I have let mine get long...!!!
Well Stephen I need to go for now. Just wanted to say hi and tell you, you are still a big part of my everyday. I love and miss you with all that I am!!!
hi/ Christina Hanselman (sister)
just writing for a quick second...seems like everyone keeps leaving...either actually leaving like you...or moving...or deploying...or just losing touch...kind gets to you after awhile...yet, I keep on trucking...cause you'd tell me to hang tough and to quit whimping out...seems like I'm having to be the strong one when really that was your job...and Aarons...and both you have a deserted me...thanks for that...watch out for our little twirp while he's over there pretending to be a man...ha...guess it's really more real than cops and robbers...starting to get kinda scared for him...keep him safe...and keep us sane...i miss you...i really miss weird things that we use to do...and i miss all the normal things that we would be doing...it's just not fair...but then again life goes on and you're still not here...all it ends up being is letters typed into a screen...of nothingness....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Close
I know you are kinda busy up there but I sure could use your help...first I am having a hard time. I keep having the truth creep into my thoughts the truth that you will not be coming home. Yes my brain knows this is true but I have yet to tell my heart, I just don't think it can handle it. I miss you more than I would miss the air I breath. Help me son, let my heart believe what it needs to. I promise I am not going crazy...
The second thing is Aaron. He will be leaving next wk for Afganistan. Stephen he is still so young. I am so afraid for him. I am trying to be positive and he tells me not to worry, pretty sure you told the the same thing many times. I just don't think I could go through all of this again. I need you to stay by his side..keep him safe for me. Help him to know what to do and when to do it. Comfort him when he is cold, alone or afraid. Please STAY with him till he returns home. I also want you to speak to God for me...I know this is a biggie. I trust Him and His plan...I am praying for an inner peace about this, I would like for Aaron to continue to be positive and to never feel like he is far from home. Help him to be able to close his eyes and see our faces and to feel the love that we will be sending his way.
I love you son and I hope you can feel the love I send to you each and everyday!!
Missing you as always!!!!
I love ya,
Momma
P.S.
Your Daddy really missed you yesterday on Father's Day!!!
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to tell you about your B'day celebration. First it was a fund raiser with all the money being donated to W.R.N.L.
Your Daddy and I both spoke to your friends and the people runnng the ballfield now...which was hard but we did it. Then we had a hugh balloon release. We had a girls against the boys softball game with the boys batting backwards. That was so funny. I was the only official (I kept telling you I was in charge). We had a homerun derby to raise money also. Stephen...we had such a great time!!! I have not been able to say that very often since you left but we did!! Robert Canceran won 1st place with Clay Dykes coming in 2nd and Jerry Roberts in 3rd. We got to see so many of your old friends and their families.
Jim from Shakey's gave me some pizza coupons to give to the winners and to raffle. Stephen so many of your friends just handed over money as soon as they found out about it. We had T-Shirts made up with your pic on it. Lots of your friends bought one. We bought a beautiful plaque for the first place winner. And it has been decided we will do it again EVERY year!!! We raised about $350.00 which is good since we only planned it in about 2 wks. All of your friends want to do it again each year so I know we will do better next year. Everyone at the ballfield seemed very happy and said we had inspired them and reminded them why as parents we spend so much time there. Hearing that felt great Stephen...
Now for what I know you will think is the best part. The ballfield called Coach Dykes @ Sign Ventures and they made up a sign with your name and # on it, to hang at the ballfield forever!!!!!! They asked us to come out to the ballfield on Mother's Day to give it to us, not knowing that on Mother's day 25 yrs earlier, I was taking you home for the first time. Stephen it is so great. We are so proud of you!!! We are also so gratefull to everyone who came out to support this because with out them it would have just been a ballgame. Now every year we will be able to give back to a place that gave so much to each of you kids and to us as a family. I hope you are pleased with all we did and enjoy the pictures of everyone.
I love you son and I know you will never be forgotten!!!! Happy Birthday again Stephen...
I have been trying all day to come up with the right words to tell you Happy 25th Birthday...I am so sorry sweetie my pain is just too deep this year. I love you more than words can ever say. I will always need you and I will always miss you!!! Never a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts.
Sunday was a great success I will tell you more and add pics in a day or 2...just as soon as I get grip.
Will never be Forgotten! / Dianne Street (Friend)Read >>
Will never be Forgotten! / Dianne Street (Friend)
Just wanted to let you know that Stephen will always be remembered! He and DJ are the first things I think of in the morning and the last guys on my mind when I go to sleep! (Along with my other children) I love him so much and will never forget him! I think of awesome things he used to do! Videos play in my mind all the time! I promise-He will never be forgotten and He Does Matter! He is, and was, very important to all of us! Dianne Close
Hey Sweetie just want you to know I am thinking of you. I miss you so very much Stephen.
We are planning your B'day celebration...it's going to be a fund raising softball game boys against the girls and a homerun derby. We will be donating all the money to the ballpark. I know you would be pleased with our choice.
I know I have told you not to waste to much time down here watching over us..but I would really love to feel your presence at the game. So pull yourself away from all the great stuff in heaven and come watch your friends and family show the world how much we love and miss you. Besides I am sure it will be very funny...some of your friends have not played ball in some time!!
Just adding some pictures of you and some of your friends. Shea left some pics with you, of ya'll at "Wild Adventures". It's a good thing I didn't know then what I know now about that day!!! And I had some I have been meaning to add also. I have one that shows you have the same droopy eye that I have...never noticed it before.
Still having a hard time sweetie...my brain wants to keep telling me that you really are gone but my heart just can't accept it...don't think I ever can!!! I say, write, think or look at your name and face everyday. I do whatever I have to in order to make you a part of each and everyday. I am so afraid that if I don't...
Just stopping by to say hi. I was driving the other day and saw a bunch of little boys at baseball practice. Reminded me so much of the days I sat and watched ya'll. God... how much I wish I could have one more day to watch you play. I always know it'springtime when I start seeing the ball players come out. It's one of the hardest times of the year for me. Stephen I just want you to know..you are still so loved and thought everyday. I say your name so many times through out the day just to hear it!!! I love you son and miss you so very much!!
Sweetie Momma is having a very hard time....keep having bad drems and just not dealing as well as I need to. You know that feeling you get before you throw up? You know it's coming but you just can't stop it...well that's how I feel right now about going crazy...I just don't know how to stop it. I have really tried so hard Stephen. I stay so busy and think of all the time I did have you here but its just not enough sometimes. I really need you to help me son, send me the strength I need to keep going. The rest of the family needs me and I want to be there for them...I am counting on you.
Shae stop by to see you the other day and left some pics and a letter. He is doing very good Stephen. He still misses you alot. I will add the pics here later today then take them back out to you for a few days.
I am trying to think of something special for your B'day. Your sister came up with a great idea doing something with kids/teenagers teaching them what and how to handle swimming emergencies. Maybe even offer free classes each year called "Swmming Smart For Stephen" I love the idea...just depends if we can get some backing for it. Not sure what it will cost but you know us...we will get it done.
Well sweetie I have to order Aaron's plane ticket home. So I better go for now. I love you and miss you with every breath I take....and even more so with the one's that catch my breath.
Dear Stephen, Feb. 4 2008 It is so hard to believe your little sister is 23 today...I stopped by to sit with you again today. It's days like this that I still feel like anyday you are going to come home. I have talked with so many people who tell me that, this is part of the process. They say it like...it should happen in some order 1 2 3. But it does not work like that for me. I don't want to get through some process...I want you to come home. I want Danny to call me up and say I'm sorry I was wrong...it was not your son. But that only happens in the movies. We went out to lunch for Christina's B'day yesterday. She is doing very good Stephen. I can see it in her eyes when she is having the hardest times...she misses you so much. Aaron is still in Cal. he will be heading back to Tx this wkend. Then somehow we have to get ready for him to go overseas..I can't believe he is going off to fight in this war. I had hoped it would be over before he was ready. He is so different now Stephen. He was only 14 when you left and now he is so grown up. Still a lot like you. He had to get his tatoos...all 3 have something to do with you. He doesn't talk much but I can tell when he is going through his bad times. I'm sure it's hard being so far from home. Did I ever tell you "here" that I bought you a new toothbrush that last day...I almost told you on the phone that day but decided to surprise you. I know... silly surprise. I noticed as I was brushing my teeth that morning that you needed a new one and while I was at walmart I picked you one up. And just stuck it in the holder...it's still there. Honey I still don't know how to get through the next however many years I have left...without you here. I miss you. I don't know if those 3 words do justice to how I feel. Oh yeah Toni got married this past wkend..Christina and I were planning to go but I have been having a hard time with my back, trying to get things worked out. Anyways we missed it. We are going to try and go to lunch with her or something. I can't wait to see the pics. If I know you...you were there watching over her. I know she was always special to you. I am going to try and do something big for your birthday this year. I have not done anything official since the first one after you left. Usually we just do something here as a family to help us. But for your 25th I decided to get with some of your friends and have somthing...just not sure what. Know that I am ALWAYS thinking of you. ALWAYS missing you and ALWAYS wishing you would come home. I love you son....with all my heart. Momma
Dear Stephen, Sorry it has been awhile. Please know that you and you loving family are always on our mind and in our hearts. Sending you all lots love and many many HUGS. Stay close to your Mom & family and let them feel you near. You are missed so very much ^j^ Love, Justin Lesh’s Family
Just missing you / Momma
Hey Sweetie...just here again to tell you how much I miss you!!! Christina was complaining today how tired she was of you not being here...I know just how she feels I just don't know how to help her. You are missed so much Stephen...EVERYDAY. We still try and find ways to change it. She saw one of the guys that was with you that night the other day at the mall, he didn't even say a word to her!!! It hurts so much that those that helped cause this or did nothing to help, just go on with things as if nothing has changed. I try and not let the anger get to me but somedays it is so hard. I just want and need you home son. I wish I could have one more day, hour or even a minute...just to say I love you. I had a dream the other night...could see you getting ready to pitch, just as you did your toe tap thing I woke up. Would love to finish that one. I am going to bed soon...if you're not too busy stop by in my dreams and let me see your face and hear your voice...can't tell you how much I need it. Night-Night Sweetie I love you, Momma Close
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